Sound-o-phobia

Misophonia, the fear of sound. The first time I heard that word, it changed my life. I was 12 or 13 and had been struggling with intense reactions to high-pitched and/or repetitive noises, the worst being any noise caused by saliva. Chewing gum and dental floss picks were the bane of my existence. Unfortunately, these were quite popular items with my parents and brothers. I stared them down, hoping I could stop them with pure willpower. I knew if I asked them to stop, "no!" or "Stop being so dramatic!" would be retorted back at me. I stopped asking. 

What they didn't know was how those sounds reverberated in my mind. How they triggered unbearable levels of anxiety and initiated a feeling of rage I was very uncomfortable with. I wanted so badly to spend time with my family. Even so, most evenings, surrounded by an impenetrable and unstoppable bubble of sound, anxiety won out. I would retreat to my room under the guise of going to sleep early. 

Those sounds held me in bondage. The person chewing gum in the church pew behind me had no idea they'd pulled all my attention away from the sermon. Instead, I funneled it all into appearing sane. Getting up to leave was no option here. Drawing attention to myself or appearing rude would cause an equal amount of anxiety. So there I sat, in turmoil, until service concluded and I could flee the scene. The same would play out in a movie theater, auditorium, restaurant, or parties. Anywhere the sounds were, my spirit was pained. 

It was especially bad at family gatherings. I deeply cherished my family (and still do) and looked forward to spending time with them. I would stay around as long as I could, stretching my tolerance to its breaking point. Most of these days ended for me with sobbing and/or panic attacks. My brain was exhausted and overstimulated. Worst of all, I had failed to enjoy being with the people I loved. 

Traveling was also on my X list. For anyone outside my mental cage, chewing gum was an easy pastime. However, there was nowhere to escape in the car, and on long rides, no hope of an end. By the time we arrived at our destination, I was so distressed and overstimulated that I had to retreat to solitude. I began to dread any plans for travel. 

For many years, anyone you asked would have told you my reactions were those of a hormonal, crabby, dramatic teenager who just wanted to pick a fight. I can't blame them. My mood would become sour and weepy, but I was just as confused as they were. That is, until I first heard the word "misophonia."

I remember it very clearly. My mom and I were in the waiting room at the optometrist, flipping through the eclectic mess of tabloids on the coffee table. My mom laughed and said, "Hey, this sounds like you! Miss-iPhone-ia." We read the words explaining extreme sensitivity to specific sounds with reactions including anger, nervousness, anxiety, increased blood pressure, and more. It said specific sounds trigger a fight-or-flight response in the body of the sufferer. To mom, this was a silly and fleeting concept, a way to tease my bothersome habits. To me, it changed my life. I was given a label for something everyone else thought was fake. I was given the affirmation that I wasn't insane. It confirmed I was not inventing the tightness in my body, the anxiety, or the anger. I learned there were other people like me. 

I was able to learn a little more surfing the web on my iPod Touch. There wasn't much research at the time, but still, some fellow misophonics uploaded to YouTube, trying to spread awareness. 

It was years until anyone began to take me seriously. When The Doctor Oz Show talked to a woman with misophonia, mom finally believed it was real. She did, however, believe wholeheartedly that it was curable if I only tried hard enough. 

My younger brothers got the idea first. I was braver with them and able to express my contempt for their gum-smacking. While they didn't understand in full and took some convincing, they were often willing to toss the gum. They will never know the depth of my gratitude for that. 

As I got older and more hormonally stable, Mom developed a deeper grasp of the severity of my misophonia. The more I learned and attempted to explain, the more she understood. Slowly but surely, she began to take it seriously and became my advocate. With the help of my compassionate sisters-in-law, my older brothers accepted my disorder too and recognized the anxiety it caused me. My family is now very patient and accommodating of me. We've all come a long way. 

Misophonia still causes me daily pain. From the clack of keyboards and the pen clicking to chewing and slurping, sounds are everywhere and cannot be entirely avoided. It is difficult to describe and even more challenging to ask for accommodation. Misophonia is not something many are aware of, nor are they aware of the sounds they make that trigger it. Some of my most treasured activities have become anxiety-provoking as a result of my misophonia, and to this day, the scent of Trident Tropical Twist and Watermelon Extra makes my stomach turn. 

I thank God for how my family has come to understand and help me enjoy their company with minimal anxiety. It is funny how someone spitting out a wad of gum or chewing with their mouth closed can make me feel so loved. 

Flare Audio's Calmer noise-reducing earplugs have become a staple in my life. They travel everywhere with me and make many situations more tolerable. 

Most of all, I thank God for my husband, who has been supportive and understanding since day one. When my fight or flight takes control, he takes my hand. Changing our dine-in order to take-out to avoid a trigger noise doesn't bother him. He happily sits in the back of the theater or takes a separate car with me. Gently, he reminds me to give myself grace. If there is a way to help, he'll find it. So often, he acts as my guide back to reality. 

No matter my mental or physical illness, I know my journey will not be in vain. I have learned much about self-advocacy. I've discovered many of my friends want to support me through something that once carried so much shame. How beautiful it is that God brings good from bad situations and provides hope for a peaceful future. 

If you are interested in learning more about misophonia, here are some resources: 

Cleveland Clinic- Misophonia

Duke Health- Misophonia

SoQuiet- Misophonia Research

Psychology Today- Misophonia Research is Taking Off

Misophonia: A Systematic Review of Current and Future Trends in This Emerging Clinical Field